Posts
Nov. 22, 2009
Rule no. 1 never tell someone with dementia (or any aged person with memory issues) a secret! For a week now, Mom & Dad have known I was going to Tallahassee to bring Melissa & her kids back for Jordyn's birthday. Jordyn didn't think they were coming til Thanksgiving. After dinner tonight I excused myself to get ready for my little road trip.
Dad immediately asked where I was going. I remind him again to which he exclaimed, "Now wait a minute! What in the hell are you doing going over there? I thought those people were coming over here?" Needless to say Jordyn figured it out in record time.
As I left the room I heard Dad ask, "Who's coming again? And who do they belong to?" I spend a portion of every day explaining who is related and how. I assure you, when I get back with the kids tomorrow, I will be explaining it again. But on the bright side I won't be letting him in on any more secrets (he chooses the most inopportune moments to remember things).
Meanwhile Mom wants me to get the Lincoln Logs (it was Monopoly, remember?) she bought for Jordyn, so she can wrap it. And out of nowhere she just asked me to remind him to feed the fish (the one we never got). It is just one of those nights. I think it's definitely time to go get them ready for bed. NOW!
Dad immediately asked where I was going. I remind him again to which he exclaimed, "Now wait a minute! What in the hell are you doing going over there? I thought those people were coming over here?" Needless to say Jordyn figured it out in record time.
As I left the room I heard Dad ask, "Who's coming again? And who do they belong to?" I spend a portion of every day explaining who is related and how. I assure you, when I get back with the kids tomorrow, I will be explaining it again. But on the bright side I won't be letting him in on any more secrets (he chooses the most inopportune moments to remember things).
Meanwhile Mom wants me to get the Lincoln Logs (it was Monopoly, remember?) she bought for Jordyn, so she can wrap it. And out of nowhere she just asked me to remind him to feed the fish (the one we never got). It is just one of those nights. I think it's definitely time to go get them ready for bed. NOW!
Nov. 23, 2009
I have believed that Mom had been misdiagnosed. We were told early this Spring that Mom was in the early stages of dementia. I see it now, though never clearly, the dementia that she isn't really trying to fight. You cannot see dementia clearly because it changes from moment to moment. Watching it progress is the most simultaneously- heart-breaking, exhausting, frightening, overwhelming, poignant, mind-boggling, painful things I have ever witnessed. I believe the reason she is giving herself up to the illness has a lot to do with living in an almost silent world. She can communicate with her toys because the only hearing required is the sounds in her imagination. She can honestly spend 5 or 6 hours in a day rearranging her toys (or flowers, or table arrangements, etc.).
It usually starts over breakfast & morning meds. She hates taking them, which I can totally understand, so she hides them. I find them around the dining room frequently. And today when I went to bring Melissa And the kids here for Thanksgiving, they both just skipped their meds completely. And when I pointed it out they both insisted they had taken them. I explained they couldn't have and Dad made me show him 2 times. He was mad at me the rest of the night.
I physically had to put Mom to bed. I had to catch Dad twice to keep him from falling. They were both disoriented, confused. He was combative, she was exhausted. And today was one of those days when I was relieved when they were finally settled for the night.
Tomorrow will begin at 5:30 when I have to wake Mom up to go to the hospital for bloodwork at 7. It's 15 min away but it will take her that long to get ready. If Dad wakes up at any point he will be going with us. I will let you know how that works out. For now, I am going to bed. I have to be up E.A.R.L.Y.
It usually starts over breakfast & morning meds. She hates taking them, which I can totally understand, so she hides them. I find them around the dining room frequently. And today when I went to bring Melissa And the kids here for Thanksgiving, they both just skipped their meds completely. And when I pointed it out they both insisted they had taken them. I explained they couldn't have and Dad made me show him 2 times. He was mad at me the rest of the night.
I physically had to put Mom to bed. I had to catch Dad twice to keep him from falling. They were both disoriented, confused. He was combative, she was exhausted. And today was one of those days when I was relieved when they were finally settled for the night.
Tomorrow will begin at 5:30 when I have to wake Mom up to go to the hospital for bloodwork at 7. It's 15 min away but it will take her that long to get ready. If Dad wakes up at any point he will be going with us. I will let you know how that works out. For now, I am going to bed. I have to be up E.A.R.L.Y.
Nov. 25, 2009
Thanks to our trip to the hospital and the confusion that followed yesterday morning, the entire day stayed out of balance. Meds weren't taken on time, breakfast was very late and Dad's blood pressure was extremely low (lowest point 84/35. We spent a couple of hours working to get it back up. Despite my every attempt to get them both to lie down for a while, they stayed up all day. By the time I started dinner they were exhausted, confused & Dad was combative. When I took his BP before dinner it was 116/65 and I commented on it being better. He argued that it was low and I pointed out that it was better than it had been all day. He denied that it had been below 100 at any point & told me not to lie. My eyes met Melissa's across the room (hers were filled with shock as she had watched our battle all afternoon). I gently shook my head and pointed out that I had taken his BP over a dozen times & I had no reason to lie.
At dinner, Mom refused to eat much and I pointed out that she needed to try to eat more. Just that morning the doctor we saw had expressed grave concerns at her continued weight loss. Dad overheard me urging her to eat & immediately started telling her how important it is for her to eat. (for once he wasn't mean about it, he was genuinely concerned). But the one sure fired way to get her back up is for her to feel like we are ganging up on her. She adamantly refused to eat another bite! In fact she announced that if he didn't stop badgering her about eating she was going to stop eating all together. I decided enough was enough and we all left them alone. Dad to clean the kitchen and Mom to sulk.
A while later I received a text from one of my nephews concerned because they had been calling but not getting an answer. I went upstairs to check the phones (not sure what happened-no missed calls). Dad asked what I was doing and when I tried to explain he literally exploded. "Why is he calling you? You need to keep your nose out of MY FAMILY'S business!" I tried again to explain but decided it wasn't worth the effort. I went to check on Mom.
Within seconds of leaving the room I heard Richard tell Dad he was not going to tolerate him talking to me like that. In a flash they were arguing. Richard yelled at Dad, "I will not tolerate you being rude, mean or disrespectful to my wife. She is killing herself to do everything for you and you are mean to her. She is the one trying to keep this FAMILY together!"
Dad vehemently denied everything. He then came to find me to "apologize". He pulled me in the bathroom and closed the door. "If you don't like it here you can leave. We don't need you. Richard can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong and he doesn't need to be mean." He started with anger that quickly turned into whining. I suggested we all calm down. His reply, "I have never been rude to you. Richard needs to stay out of it." I replied softly, "I know Dad but how would you feel if you thought someone was hurting Mom?". He opened the door without a word and shuffled out. But I think he actually got my point.
At dinner, Mom refused to eat much and I pointed out that she needed to try to eat more. Just that morning the doctor we saw had expressed grave concerns at her continued weight loss. Dad overheard me urging her to eat & immediately started telling her how important it is for her to eat. (for once he wasn't mean about it, he was genuinely concerned). But the one sure fired way to get her back up is for her to feel like we are ganging up on her. She adamantly refused to eat another bite! In fact she announced that if he didn't stop badgering her about eating she was going to stop eating all together. I decided enough was enough and we all left them alone. Dad to clean the kitchen and Mom to sulk.
A while later I received a text from one of my nephews concerned because they had been calling but not getting an answer. I went upstairs to check the phones (not sure what happened-no missed calls). Dad asked what I was doing and when I tried to explain he literally exploded. "Why is he calling you? You need to keep your nose out of MY FAMILY'S business!" I tried again to explain but decided it wasn't worth the effort. I went to check on Mom.
Within seconds of leaving the room I heard Richard tell Dad he was not going to tolerate him talking to me like that. In a flash they were arguing. Richard yelled at Dad, "I will not tolerate you being rude, mean or disrespectful to my wife. She is killing herself to do everything for you and you are mean to her. She is the one trying to keep this FAMILY together!"
Dad vehemently denied everything. He then came to find me to "apologize". He pulled me in the bathroom and closed the door. "If you don't like it here you can leave. We don't need you. Richard can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong and he doesn't need to be mean." He started with anger that quickly turned into whining. I suggested we all calm down. His reply, "I have never been rude to you. Richard needs to stay out of it." I replied softly, "I know Dad but how would you feel if you thought someone was hurting Mom?". He opened the door without a word and shuffled out. But I think he actually got my point.
Nov. 29, 2009
Mom woke up before I did this morning. She suffers from Mania as well as Dementia. This morning she was suffering them both simultaneously. She was rearranging the entire dining room surface contents. It is totally indescribable! She got fixated on Christmas and was off in OCD Manic mode that lasted the entire day!
Dad felt bad all day but couldn't pinpoint why. He didn't even mess with Mom at all (not about meds, or food, or going to the bathroom, or even going onto the porch alone. I wish he would talk to me more. He was locked inside himself. He didn't speak much at all today. He turned down going out to lunch with a friend and frankly told him, over the phone that he "just felt like shit". Tonight I am exhausted. And they both should be. Dad knocked right out, but Mom...she waited up for Richard to bring home the Christmas tree. We set it up and I mentioned to Richard that I wished I had a bird's nest to go in the tree. She actually heard me! She asked me to repeat what I had said. When I told her, she immediately began hunting for the one that "used" to be here...somewhere. (I honestly haven't seen it in years). Richard had to stop her from going out on the front AND back porches (in the dark, no less). Tomorrow we will look for the one that was here (once upon a time). If we do not find it, I will find one because I started this mess. I have always thought a bird's nest in a Christmas tree was charming. Until now...maybe.
I am hoping I can talk Mom into tree decorations from the land around us. There is a bounty here provided by nature (thank you, God). I would like to utilize it! And for that old-time country charm I will be stringing popcorn garland (and maybe cranberries). If I can only get Mom to help me it would be so incredibly theraputic for us both!
Dad felt bad all day but couldn't pinpoint why. He didn't even mess with Mom at all (not about meds, or food, or going to the bathroom, or even going onto the porch alone. I wish he would talk to me more. He was locked inside himself. He didn't speak much at all today. He turned down going out to lunch with a friend and frankly told him, over the phone that he "just felt like shit". Tonight I am exhausted. And they both should be. Dad knocked right out, but Mom...she waited up for Richard to bring home the Christmas tree. We set it up and I mentioned to Richard that I wished I had a bird's nest to go in the tree. She actually heard me! She asked me to repeat what I had said. When I told her, she immediately began hunting for the one that "used" to be here...somewhere. (I honestly haven't seen it in years). Richard had to stop her from going out on the front AND back porches (in the dark, no less). Tomorrow we will look for the one that was here (once upon a time). If we do not find it, I will find one because I started this mess. I have always thought a bird's nest in a Christmas tree was charming. Until now...maybe.
I am hoping I can talk Mom into tree decorations from the land around us. There is a bounty here provided by nature (thank you, God). I would like to utilize it! And for that old-time country charm I will be stringing popcorn garland (and maybe cranberries). If I can only get Mom to help me it would be so incredibly theraputic for us both!
Dec. 12, 2009
Dad has been in a Scrooge-like mood since he got up today. If anybody mentions Christmas he is grouchy and terse. As Mom puts it, "He bites your head off." He gets like that because it is all beyond his control. He is distressed by all the fuss. Unfortunately, he acted out in a way that shocked us all.
He asked Jordyn a question and did not hear his reply. Jordyn repeated it at shout volume. In the blink of an eye Dad pushed him (yelling that disrespect will not be tolerated). He pushed him so hard that he knocked him down. Jordyn quietly got up, apologized and asked me if he could ride his bike to the beach. Richard turned to his Dad and explained that touching our 11 year old was not going to be tolerated! Dad was confused and contrite. He insisted he would never do anything to hurt Jordyn. That he hadn't done anything and he didn't understand why Richard would say that. He called me to his side and asked me if he had really knocked Jordyn down. When I said yes, his eyes welled up with tears. He squeezed my hand and kept saying, "I don't remember. Why would I hurt Jordyn. He's my favorite. Sweetheart, why would I do something like that?"
I can't explain an illness he isn't even aware he has. An illness that I only barely understand. He is well into the moderate stage and the combativeness will only get worse. Jordyn understands this and is probably the most tolerant of the situation. He loves his great-grandfather and tries hard to please him. More than once I have heard him say, "Pop can't help it!" I'm not sure what may come but violence can't be tolerated. Somehow we have to find a way to avoid it.
He asked Jordyn a question and did not hear his reply. Jordyn repeated it at shout volume. In the blink of an eye Dad pushed him (yelling that disrespect will not be tolerated). He pushed him so hard that he knocked him down. Jordyn quietly got up, apologized and asked me if he could ride his bike to the beach. Richard turned to his Dad and explained that touching our 11 year old was not going to be tolerated! Dad was confused and contrite. He insisted he would never do anything to hurt Jordyn. That he hadn't done anything and he didn't understand why Richard would say that. He called me to his side and asked me if he had really knocked Jordyn down. When I said yes, his eyes welled up with tears. He squeezed my hand and kept saying, "I don't remember. Why would I hurt Jordyn. He's my favorite. Sweetheart, why would I do something like that?"
I can't explain an illness he isn't even aware he has. An illness that I only barely understand. He is well into the moderate stage and the combativeness will only get worse. Jordyn understands this and is probably the most tolerant of the situation. He loves his great-grandfather and tries hard to please him. More than once I have heard him say, "Pop can't help it!" I'm not sure what may come but violence can't be tolerated. Somehow we have to find a way to avoid it.
Dec. 20, 2009
What do you do when OCD, Dementia & Mania collide? Easy...you get the hell out of the way. Mom is really suffering right now and there isn't a thing I can do to help her. The stress of the holidays has kicked her into Hyper-Mania and it's like watching a runaway freight train.
My Grandmama & Mama came to visit and were shocked at how far the Dementia has progressed in Mom. She is rapidly withdrawing into her own little world where she constantly putters around rearranging and moving things. She redid the dining room table at least 4 times during and after lunch. My 90 year old Grandmother was in agony watching her and wanting to find a way to soothe her restless mind. Always the social butterfly (the life of every party), she barely tried to talk to anyone. Dad on the other hand played host quite well. Everyone commented at some point or another about how sad it is to watch the helplessness in his eyes as he watches her. It was a wonderful day otherwise.
Until they all left, that is. I was immediately told that lunch had been inadequate and not at all how she would have done it. That hurt my feelings terribly because I tried to do it all exactly the way Mom wanted. (my family would have been content with a bowl of tuna salad, a loaf of bread and a bag of chips). They were amazed, impressed, and delighted with all the effort I had gone to. I was informed my family was too lavish with the number of gifts they'd brought and that it was an "utter embarrassment". The beratement continued until I couldn't listen another moment. I quietly excused myself and went downstairs assuring them I would be up in a bit to make dinner.
After a good hour long cry I washed my face and went back upstairs. Mom came in as I was pulling the makings for dinner out and informed me I needn't make anything for them. "We didn't know if you were going to feed us so we ate a bowl of cereal. I'm going to bed now." I explained it wasn't even 6 yet (dinnertime by their choice). And she informed me she "just couldn't rely on me" and headed off to bed.
I know that her behavior is controlled by mental illness. And I know I shouldn't let the mean things she says get to me. But I am human and at times it always will. So much of her actions (and words) are born of her own frustration. Just as my tears are born of mine. I pray for strength and guidance. And I never doubt for a moment that here with them is where I am meant to be. Sometimes, I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.
My Grandmama & Mama came to visit and were shocked at how far the Dementia has progressed in Mom. She is rapidly withdrawing into her own little world where she constantly putters around rearranging and moving things. She redid the dining room table at least 4 times during and after lunch. My 90 year old Grandmother was in agony watching her and wanting to find a way to soothe her restless mind. Always the social butterfly (the life of every party), she barely tried to talk to anyone. Dad on the other hand played host quite well. Everyone commented at some point or another about how sad it is to watch the helplessness in his eyes as he watches her. It was a wonderful day otherwise.
Until they all left, that is. I was immediately told that lunch had been inadequate and not at all how she would have done it. That hurt my feelings terribly because I tried to do it all exactly the way Mom wanted. (my family would have been content with a bowl of tuna salad, a loaf of bread and a bag of chips). They were amazed, impressed, and delighted with all the effort I had gone to. I was informed my family was too lavish with the number of gifts they'd brought and that it was an "utter embarrassment". The beratement continued until I couldn't listen another moment. I quietly excused myself and went downstairs assuring them I would be up in a bit to make dinner.
After a good hour long cry I washed my face and went back upstairs. Mom came in as I was pulling the makings for dinner out and informed me I needn't make anything for them. "We didn't know if you were going to feed us so we ate a bowl of cereal. I'm going to bed now." I explained it wasn't even 6 yet (dinnertime by their choice). And she informed me she "just couldn't rely on me" and headed off to bed.
I know that her behavior is controlled by mental illness. And I know I shouldn't let the mean things she says get to me. But I am human and at times it always will. So much of her actions (and words) are born of her own frustration. Just as my tears are born of mine. I pray for strength and guidance. And I never doubt for a moment that here with them is where I am meant to be. Sometimes, I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.
Dec. 22, 2009
Since the incident on the 12th with Jordyn, Dad has been a lot clearer. Still a lot of repetitiveness but virtually no confusion or disorientation. No combativeness at all. He is so eager to be helpful. Yesterday we were in and out of the car for over 4 hours. He held my hand at times with many gentle squeezes of reassurance.
Mom woke up yesterday in her own world again. She was withdrawn, combative and confused all day. For almost 3 years I have tried to answer her questions, "Why is he acting like that? Why isn't there a way to help him? Why is he so mean?". And all I can do is explain that it isn't him, it's his illness.
But the shoe is on the other foot now. It is Dad aching to reach out to her, to be able to help her. He is completely aware that she is mentally ill (though unaware of his own). There are never any labels just a profound sadness in his eyes as he watches her slip farther away. He wears a palpable cloak of helplessness which he never takes off. And always, ALWAYS there is a shining light of the most overwhelming, all-consuming love a man can have for a woman that I have ever seen. He fights so hard to cherish her he practically strangles her with his concern. As a rule, he will move heaven and earth to cater to her every whim. He lives FOR her. The beauty of his love for her is astounding!
There in lies my fears. I don't believe he could live without her and I pray every day that he will never have to try. She is declining so rapidly into the depths of Dementia. She weighed almost 160 in Sept., she is down to 122 now. The weight loss is aging her even more rapidly. She is thrilled every day that she loses more and never thinks it's enough. I went through Anorexia with my daughter as a teenager. I never dreamed I would go through it with my 87 yr old mother-in-law. But here we are battling multiple mental illnesses and trying to survive. And every day we are learning a tiny bit more about dealing with Dementia...
Mom woke up yesterday in her own world again. She was withdrawn, combative and confused all day. For almost 3 years I have tried to answer her questions, "Why is he acting like that? Why isn't there a way to help him? Why is he so mean?". And all I can do is explain that it isn't him, it's his illness.
But the shoe is on the other foot now. It is Dad aching to reach out to her, to be able to help her. He is completely aware that she is mentally ill (though unaware of his own). There are never any labels just a profound sadness in his eyes as he watches her slip farther away. He wears a palpable cloak of helplessness which he never takes off. And always, ALWAYS there is a shining light of the most overwhelming, all-consuming love a man can have for a woman that I have ever seen. He fights so hard to cherish her he practically strangles her with his concern. As a rule, he will move heaven and earth to cater to her every whim. He lives FOR her. The beauty of his love for her is astounding!
There in lies my fears. I don't believe he could live without her and I pray every day that he will never have to try. She is declining so rapidly into the depths of Dementia. She weighed almost 160 in Sept., she is down to 122 now. The weight loss is aging her even more rapidly. She is thrilled every day that she loses more and never thinks it's enough. I went through Anorexia with my daughter as a teenager. I never dreamed I would go through it with my 87 yr old mother-in-law. But here we are battling multiple mental illnesses and trying to survive. And every day we are learning a tiny bit more about dealing with Dementia...
Quote From A Demented Mind
"I've been rich and I've been poor. I sure like being rich better. I just can't get used to being broke. Why is that so hard for everyone to understand? Mind you we were never really, really rich but we were never, never this poor either. I just don't know where Dad went wrong. He wasn't supposed to let this happen to us." -Mom over breakfast this morning.
I wanted to explain once again that they have spent app. $400,000 on round the clock care in the last 3 years. Add another $200,000 or so on medical bills and prescriptions in the same time period. Plus day to day living expenses and it just isn't very hard to figure out. I think Dad did a hell of a job keeping them above water as long as he did. Few of us could have provided for ourselves so well for so long. But then, I have always been broke and I have usually been HAPPY! Money really can't buy happiness. Sometimes, it just makes you think it can...
I wanted to explain once again that they have spent app. $400,000 on round the clock care in the last 3 years. Add another $200,000 or so on medical bills and prescriptions in the same time period. Plus day to day living expenses and it just isn't very hard to figure out. I think Dad did a hell of a job keeping them above water as long as he did. Few of us could have provided for ourselves so well for so long. But then, I have always been broke and I have usually been HAPPY! Money really can't buy happiness. Sometimes, it just makes you think it can...
Christmas Day Dec. 25, 2009
It has been an interesting Christmas this year. Mom has been a daily challenge- hypermanic, OCD in OVERDRIVE, reluctant to take meds, temper tantrums, hissy fits, forgetfulness to the max. She wrapped half a dozen gifts when I was not in the room and immediately asked me who they were for and what was in them. Gifts that I knew about I had a list of that I carried for 2 weeks. When she asked, I usually had the answers. But when I don't see what she does, I can't possibly have the answers for her.
All of the stockings disappeared on Christmas Eve because Mom moved them and can't remember why she moved them or where she moved them to. We still haven't found them. Several gifts that she had wrapped and ready disappeared as well. We still haven't found them either. She kept wandering off while we were opening gifts (Dad still has at least 4 unopened gifts sitting next to his chair right now). Mom wrote a letter to the family "from Santa", that is beyond precious.
It was a wonderful, peaceful Christmas. There were no harsh words spoken. There were no tense moments. And when dealing with the demented mind, you realize they are childlike in their playfulness, petulance, and pride. They are lost in a myriad of ways. It is my job to make living as easy as possible for them. And I look forward to moments like these when I know they have had a great day. I will sleep well tonight knowing the house is filled with love, and for now, peace.
All of the stockings disappeared on Christmas Eve because Mom moved them and can't remember why she moved them or where she moved them to. We still haven't found them. Several gifts that she had wrapped and ready disappeared as well. We still haven't found them either. She kept wandering off while we were opening gifts (Dad still has at least 4 unopened gifts sitting next to his chair right now). Mom wrote a letter to the family "from Santa", that is beyond precious.
It was a wonderful, peaceful Christmas. There were no harsh words spoken. There were no tense moments. And when dealing with the demented mind, you realize they are childlike in their playfulness, petulance, and pride. They are lost in a myriad of ways. It is my job to make living as easy as possible for them. And I look forward to moments like these when I know they have had a great day. I will sleep well tonight knowing the house is filled with love, and for now, peace.
Dec. 28, 2009
Mom refused to eat dinner tonight. Trying to feed Ty, I just didn't have the energy to push her very hard about it. About the point I gave up, Ayla walked up to her, holding a deck of cards, and said, "Muner, you eat all yous bites me play cards wit you." Bless her 3 yr old heart for attempting to bribe the stubborn old grandmother. It didn't work but she certainly gave it her best try.
When Mom pushed her plate aside, Ayla sadly shook her head and told her, "Me no play wit you. Shoulda ate yous bites." With a kiss and a hug for both elders, Ayla headed for the stairs.
All the way down the stairs she hung her head. At the bottom, I stopped her and asked what was wrong. Her sad eyes met mine, "Muner sick. Her needs eat bites." I pulled her to me and told her she was right. I promised Muner would eat her breakfast in the morning. And I assure you she will, especially if I can make her understand that even Ayla sees what is happening.
When Mom pushed her plate aside, Ayla sadly shook her head and told her, "Me no play wit you. Shoulda ate yous bites." With a kiss and a hug for both elders, Ayla headed for the stairs.
All the way down the stairs she hung her head. At the bottom, I stopped her and asked what was wrong. Her sad eyes met mine, "Muner sick. Her needs eat bites." I pulled her to me and told her she was right. I promised Muner would eat her breakfast in the morning. And I assure you she will, especially if I can make her understand that even Ayla sees what is happening.
Dec. 29, 2009
I can't make Richard understand that it is impossible to reason with a demented mind. You can coax, coddle, and cajole, you can beg, barter, and bribe, you can plead, promise and pray- but you cannot, ever (with any hope of progress) reason or argue with a demented mind.
Paraphrasing a t-shirt Richard has, "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and it annoys the pig." I honestly have a whole clearer understanding of what that means. The same applies to dealing with Dementia. I choose not to engage in battles. I choose the path of least annoyance and least resistance.
Fathers and sons have a tendency to be in an odd sort of competition with each other. Sons want to make their own way in the world (in part to make their fathers proud, in part to "show" their fathers). Fathers always tell them what would be best for them, how they should live their lives, that they would do it all differently. There is no nurturing as a rule. I often hear Dad say things like, "When you were little you were my pal." "Remember how we used to go fishing together?" "I don't understand why you are angry." Neither one of them can reach through to the other. It breaks my heart to know the one thing they have left in common is an enormous sense of frustration at the cards they are being dealt in life.
They are very alike, this father and his son. I am certain Richard fears that he may end up like his dad someday. And I often wonder if that thought hasn't crossed his dad's mind as well. Frustration can lead to anger just as patience can lead to peace. The problem around here, is being the only person who has enough distance (not related by blood) to practice patience. Believe me when I say that there are times I want to scream with the pain and frustration of it all. But I don't unless I am in the car, by myself, and no one can ever be hurt by it in any way. And when I am done, I pray...for more patience.
2009 was a year of MANY changes for my family and me. I closed the doors of my video store for the last time on New Year's 2009 and became a "stay-at-home" grandmother. Richard moved to Arizona for 4 months...and moved back. Melissa and the kids moved out and got their own place. The caregiver that was in place at my in-laws for 3 years got arrested for neglect of the elderly (the trial is yet to come). We received a panicked phone call wanting us to move in and care for them so we packed our belongings, put them in storage and moved to Santa Rosa Beach. I exchanged keeping my grand babies full time for caring for my in-laws 24/7. I reconnected with a couple of old friends that have become so important to me all over again. And I have made a couple of new friends that have become equally important in my life. 2009 wasn't exactly a bad year or a particularly good one. But I will always remember it as a year of drastic changes. I don't have a clue what 2010 has in store for me, but I look forward to finding out.
Paraphrasing a t-shirt Richard has, "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and it annoys the pig." I honestly have a whole clearer understanding of what that means. The same applies to dealing with Dementia. I choose not to engage in battles. I choose the path of least annoyance and least resistance.
Fathers and sons have a tendency to be in an odd sort of competition with each other. Sons want to make their own way in the world (in part to make their fathers proud, in part to "show" their fathers). Fathers always tell them what would be best for them, how they should live their lives, that they would do it all differently. There is no nurturing as a rule. I often hear Dad say things like, "When you were little you were my pal." "Remember how we used to go fishing together?" "I don't understand why you are angry." Neither one of them can reach through to the other. It breaks my heart to know the one thing they have left in common is an enormous sense of frustration at the cards they are being dealt in life.
They are very alike, this father and his son. I am certain Richard fears that he may end up like his dad someday. And I often wonder if that thought hasn't crossed his dad's mind as well. Frustration can lead to anger just as patience can lead to peace. The problem around here, is being the only person who has enough distance (not related by blood) to practice patience. Believe me when I say that there are times I want to scream with the pain and frustration of it all. But I don't unless I am in the car, by myself, and no one can ever be hurt by it in any way. And when I am done, I pray...for more patience.
New Year's Eve Dec. 31, 2009
2009 was a year of MANY changes for my family and me. I closed the doors of my video store for the last time on New Year's 2009 and became a "stay-at-home" grandmother. Richard moved to Arizona for 4 months...and moved back. Melissa and the kids moved out and got their own place. The caregiver that was in place at my in-laws for 3 years got arrested for neglect of the elderly (the trial is yet to come). We received a panicked phone call wanting us to move in and care for them so we packed our belongings, put them in storage and moved to Santa Rosa Beach. I exchanged keeping my grand babies full time for caring for my in-laws 24/7. I reconnected with a couple of old friends that have become so important to me all over again. And I have made a couple of new friends that have become equally important in my life. 2009 wasn't exactly a bad year or a particularly good one. But I will always remember it as a year of drastic changes. I don't have a clue what 2010 has in store for me, but I look forward to finding out.
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