Life on the Inside Looking Out While Living on the Outside Looking In

I am frequently told things like, “I don’t know how you do it,” or “I couldn’t do what you do,” or “I would go crazy in your shoes.” Then there are the questions like, “Don’t you ever get tired of it?” and “Doesn’t it get to you, doing all you do?” and “What are you going to do when he passes away?”
This is from someone who is living their entire life on the inside looking out while living on the outside looking in. This one is about just me…

“I Don’t Know How You Do It”
There are several answers to this. I get lots of help from above. I pray for wisdom, strength and patience constantly. I have faith that I’ll be shown the answers. I BELIEVE I can make it all work. And it honestly usually does.
My youngest daughter, Melissa, and I have created a blended family that is mutually beneficial to everyone. I have sole custody of my 12 yr old grandson. She is a single mother of three children ages 10, 4, and 2. We have found a way that works very well for us. She works 3 days a week (full time) so I have all the kids and Dad on those days. The other 2 days of the school week, the boys either stay with us or stay with Melissa depending on a number of factors. Weekends she keeps all of the kids at her house. This gives Dad (and me) a much need break from the chaos of children. I KNOW I couldn’t manage without her help. I KNOW she couldn’t manage without mine. That’s an amazing gift! And on the rare occasions when I leave town to recharge my batteries, I know that she can manage things in my absence (and has).
I have found a kind of peace within myself that I didn’t even know existed before we moved here. It’s a place where I can go and draw strength. It’s a place I can believe in myself. I can believe in what I’m doing because I KNOW it’s the right thing to do.

“I Couldn’t Do What You Do”
Trust me when I say you can’t possibly know how you would react until the situation is at hand. I wasn’t sure I could do what I do. When the situation first presented itself, I was terrified. I hated myself for stopping to ask myself if I was willing to give up my entire life as I knew it to move here and take care of, not one but both, of my elderly in-laws. I will never forget how I cried uncontrollably as I questioned why it was falling on my shoulders. And then I realized it was because it was something I only I could do in our situation.
My husband was gone less than a week after his father called to ask for our help. He moved in with them while I stayed behind to pack up our lives and get ready to move our son and grandson yet another time (we thought we were going to settle where we were after a lifetime of many moves). Six weeks later, practically everything we owned was placed into 2 storage units, I had handed our family cat (of 8 years) over to my daughter, kissed her and 3 of my grandchildren good-bye, hugged various friends that I haven’t seen since and we drove off to a whole new life.
That’s when I knew I HAD to do what I do. The funny thing is, looking back now, I know there never really was a choice for me at all. They called. They needed us. We came. And I don’t regret it for a second. I love my life and I love what I’m doing because I love the people involved unconditionally. I don’t know how to love any other way. When you love somebody, you will do anything and everything you can for them. So yes, I bet you could do what I do.

“I Would Go Crazy In Your Shoes”
If you honestly think I don’t have days where I go crazy, stick with that and quit reading this post right now (illusion is a magical thing). Trust me, there are plenty of days when I go crazy. I just try hard not to let most of them show.
For example, take today. In addition to a normal day with Dad and the kids, my son and his fiancée got stuck for a babysitter. Now, I will never pass up a chance to keep my future grandson (he’s 19 months old and adorable!) so of course I said yes. While dinner was cooking, I took the two youngest (still in diapers) downstairs for a diaper change. We then hustled upstairs to get dinner for 7 on the table.
After dinner, I was cleaning the kitchen when my 4 yr old granddaughter announced that the baby had peed in Pop’s chair. About that time he ran into the kitchen so I snagged him up. He was dry as could be but there was a definite odor about him. I shouted back, “Baby Kam didn’t do it.”
No sooner had the words left my mouth than I saw 2 yr old Ty streak past minus his shoes, socks, and pants. Snagging him up I instantly knew he was the culprit. Laughing, I asked, “Can’t you guys just stay clean and dry for a little while?” and headed for the stairs.
As I passed Dad finishing his desert at the dining room table I heard him say, “Oops,” Instantly a rumble came from the vicinity of his chair and he grinned at the babies in my arms. “I guess not.” He rose from the table and said with a twinkle in his eyes, “You change them and I’ll change mine.” I barely made it down the stairs before I burst out laughing.

Then you have the kind of crazy where you’ve been asked the same question 40 times in a day or heard the same story a dozen times in a span of a few hours (only its told slightly different each time because details are so easily forgotten), it’s the kind of crazy where you want to scream to make it stop. There are a lot of different kinds of crazy and you get to see brief glimpses of them occasionally. But that’s when I stop and pray for wisdom, strength, and patience.

“Don’t You Ever Get Tired of It?”
Honestly? The answer is sometimes, for a brief moment in time, maybe. But it doesn’t last long. I get tired of fighting against an insidious disease. I get tired of watching Dad struggle mentally and physically. I get tired of not being able to go where I want to, when I want to. Because Dad requires 24 hour a day constant care, I get tired of not being able to leave the house at all most days. I think more than anything, I get tired of just plain being tired.

“Doesn’t It Ever Get to You, Doing All You Do?”
You can bet your ass it does. It would get to anybody. But you simply do what you have to do.

“What Are You Going to Do When He Passes Away?”
Obviously, this is my least favorite question of all, first and foremost because I am sitting here trying to extend his life. Look, let’s face it. We all die. In fact, from the moment each of us is born, we are all dying. But I don’t think anyone actually wants to dwell on that fact too much. We are here to live.
I can’t answer this question. I have no clue where we will go from here. I thought we were settled just before the series of events took place that brought us here. I know we will have to sell the house and find a new place to live. I know that I won’t go too far from Melissa and her children, or Jeremy, Amanda & Baby Kam. I know I will have to find a job and figure out how to work it around my family. I know we will cross each bridge as we come to them because there is a time and place for everything under the sun. Right now my time and place is here and now and that’s all I can handle at the moment.
I had a career in Retail Mgmt., Restaurant Mgmt., was a district manager and then owned two businesses of my own (simultaneously while keeping first 3, and then 4, of my grandchildren full time at work with me). I am thinking of a career move toward caring for the elderly. There are not enough honest, dependable caregivers in the world. I enjoy the medical aspects of it all and I enjoy spending time with the elderly. I think I would be happiest if I could find a way to help protect them.
Who knows, maybe we will stay in this area. Maybe we won’t. I guess I’ll have to get back to you on it all sometime. I am living my entire life on the inside looking out while living on the outside looking in. For now, I just need to focus on the living. So that’s what I am doing.