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10 years ago
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Monday, October 15, 2012
"Why Won't You Let Me Go?"
“Who are you?”
“What are you doing?”
“Why are you touching me?”
“Get away,” (slap, slap, slap)
“Stop!” (slap, slap, slap) “Stop!”
(struggle, slap, struggle) “Help! Call the police!”
“Get me a phone they are holding me hostage…”
(Sob) “I want my Mommy. Please.”
(shaky hand grips my wrist)
“Why won’t you let me see her?”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
(shaky hand wipes wet eyes)
“I just want to go home.” (body shudders once)
“Why won’t you let me go?”
Momentary Leap Into the World of Lucidity
“What time is it?”
(struggling attempt to rise)
“What can I do to help you today?”
(eyes focus on me, clear and comprehending)
“I miss my wife.”
“Do you think I will ever get to see her again?”
“How did everything get so fucked up?”
(shaky hand reaches for me)
“I know you didn’t sign up for this.” (sigh)
“I don’t understand why you have stayed.”
“I want you to know I’d be dead without you.”
(squeeze tightly) “Please don’t leave me, okay?”
(eyes search mine) “Can I ask you a question?”
“Why won’t you let me go?”
Friday, May 14, 2010
Dreams
May 13, 2010
My dreams were filled with her last night. They were random dreams that seemed to go on forever. They seemed so real I could feel her touch, see her smile, hear her voice. And as I dreamed, I experienced an exorbitant sense of longing, a prevailing sadness tied me to the realization that she is gone.
We were in an unbelievably beautiful garden. She came to me and beckoned me to sit down beside her on a stone bench. When we were seated, she took my hand in hers. We stared into one another’s eyes until I had to turn my head and break the gaze that I felt could see into my soul.
“He loves you very much, you know.”
My mind instantly registered the strength of her voice. There was no struggle to breathe now. I turned back to face her.
“It’s up to you to take care of him. He’s got to find something to DO. He doesn’t go fishing anymore…Get Jeremy to take him. He doesn’t read anymore. He used to love to read. All he does is watch TV without the sound or sit around and try to remember me.
“Mom,” I wondered how many times I had said these words to her when she was alive. “Dad quit fishing because he was terrified to leave you at the house alone. Now, he is afraid that something will happen to him and he will be too far from help if he needs it..
He quit reading because the Alzheimer’s made him forget what he was reading as soon as he read it. What can I do to help him?” I implored her.
She touched my cheek lovingly. “Keep loving him. Keep bringing the babies around. Breathe life into him. Keep finding things for him to do. Make him help you around the house more. Make him live!
He is frustrated because he can only hold on to certain memories and most of those are old memories. You have to help him remember… and help him forget.”
I shook my head in confusion. “Help him forget what?” I cried out to her.
“The bad parts. Help him forget the pain of watching me die. Remind him I am no longer in pain!
Help him forget that pain he feels because I am no longer by his side. Remind him I am always with him, a part of him.
I know it’s a lot to ask but he loves you and he will listen to you.”
I heard a bird singing in the distance somewhere. The smell of the flowers assaulted me… Jasmine, Gardenias, Roses, Sweet Olive, Magnolia, Honeysuckle, Lavender, Hibiscus, Lilies, Lilac, Wisteria, Daisies, Camellias, Azaleas, Dogwood…
As I looked around me, I became aware of a humming. I focused on the tune. “I come to the garden alone… while the dew is still on the roses…”
Instantly, I realized the garden we sat in was HER garden. I was astonished by what she had accomplished in such a short period of time.
She reached for my hand again and gave it a small squeeze. “I am with you, too. Always…”
The scene spun away and suddenly, I was in the living room watching the muted TV with Dad. As I glanced at him, I saw her standing behind his recliner. She had her hand on his shoulder and she smiled.
The scene spun away and suddenly, we were around the dinner table. Everyone was talking and laughing as they ate. Everyone, that is, but Dad. She appeared again, standing behind him, her hand upon his shoulder. As I watched, she gently placed a kiss on his temple. He immediately reached a hand up to brush at the spot.
I marveled that he felt her touch.
The scene spun away and suddenly, I was in the kitchen. She was standing at the sinking looking out the window at the lake. Without turning toward me she said softly, “We need more birdseed.”
The scene spun away and suddenly, we were back in the garden. This time we stood by a peacefully gurgling fountain. We stood there for a moment, holding hands before she said, “I am always with you all. He has to understand… When it is time, which it is not yet, I will be right here waiting for him!”
My dreams were filled with her last night. They were random dreams that seemed to go on forever. They seemed so real I could feel her touch, see her smile, hear her voice. And as I dreamed, I experienced an exorbitant sense of longing, a prevailing sadness tied me to the realization that she is gone.
We were in an unbelievably beautiful garden. She came to me and beckoned me to sit down beside her on a stone bench. When we were seated, she took my hand in hers. We stared into one another’s eyes until I had to turn my head and break the gaze that I felt could see into my soul.
“He loves you very much, you know.”
My mind instantly registered the strength of her voice. There was no struggle to breathe now. I turned back to face her.
“It’s up to you to take care of him. He’s got to find something to DO. He doesn’t go fishing anymore…Get Jeremy to take him. He doesn’t read anymore. He used to love to read. All he does is watch TV without the sound or sit around and try to remember me.
“Mom,” I wondered how many times I had said these words to her when she was alive. “Dad quit fishing because he was terrified to leave you at the house alone. Now, he is afraid that something will happen to him and he will be too far from help if he needs it..
He quit reading because the Alzheimer’s made him forget what he was reading as soon as he read it. What can I do to help him?” I implored her.
She touched my cheek lovingly. “Keep loving him. Keep bringing the babies around. Breathe life into him. Keep finding things for him to do. Make him help you around the house more. Make him live!
He is frustrated because he can only hold on to certain memories and most of those are old memories. You have to help him remember… and help him forget.”
I shook my head in confusion. “Help him forget what?” I cried out to her.
“The bad parts. Help him forget the pain of watching me die. Remind him I am no longer in pain!
Help him forget that pain he feels because I am no longer by his side. Remind him I am always with him, a part of him.
I know it’s a lot to ask but he loves you and he will listen to you.”
I heard a bird singing in the distance somewhere. The smell of the flowers assaulted me… Jasmine, Gardenias, Roses, Sweet Olive, Magnolia, Honeysuckle, Lavender, Hibiscus, Lilies, Lilac, Wisteria, Daisies, Camellias, Azaleas, Dogwood…
As I looked around me, I became aware of a humming. I focused on the tune. “I come to the garden alone… while the dew is still on the roses…”
Instantly, I realized the garden we sat in was HER garden. I was astonished by what she had accomplished in such a short period of time.
She reached for my hand again and gave it a small squeeze. “I am with you, too. Always…”
The scene spun away and suddenly, I was in the living room watching the muted TV with Dad. As I glanced at him, I saw her standing behind his recliner. She had her hand on his shoulder and she smiled.
The scene spun away and suddenly, we were around the dinner table. Everyone was talking and laughing as they ate. Everyone, that is, but Dad. She appeared again, standing behind him, her hand upon his shoulder. As I watched, she gently placed a kiss on his temple. He immediately reached a hand up to brush at the spot.
I marveled that he felt her touch.
The scene spun away and suddenly, I was in the kitchen. She was standing at the sinking looking out the window at the lake. Without turning toward me she said softly, “We need more birdseed.”
The scene spun away and suddenly, we were back in the garden. This time we stood by a peacefully gurgling fountain. We stood there for a moment, holding hands before she said, “I am always with you all. He has to understand… When it is time, which it is not yet, I will be right here waiting for him!”
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