Sprinkling Profanities

May 16, 2012

It is getting so much more difficult to deal with Dad lately. He obviously recognizes the people around him less and less. Rarely does a day go by that he doesn’t ask who someone is or ask repeatedly where we are. He says horrible, hateful things to anyone anytime. When he is confronted about it, he gets offended and accuses everyone of picking on him or he simply outright denies it. He is paranoid, convinced that everyone is out to get him or wants something from him.

For the last few weeks, he tells anyone who will listen (including the children), “This is my God*#mn house! If you don’t like it here you can just get the f*ck out!” I know this is part of the disease but you have to understand, this is a man who rarely swore and never in front of ladies. Now, he can’t get through much of a day without using his two new favorite words. The children are here less often now and I am thankful for their sakes.

One of the things he does that irks me to no end is the version he tells of why we live here. According to him, we were homeless, living on the street with no jobs or vehicles. He took us in to help us. While people who know us, know differently, it is hard to hear him tell it to complete strangers in waiting rooms or even the occasional telephone solicitor who happens to get him on the phone. He simply cannot fathom that we gave up our jobs, home, belongings, lives, etc. to come here to take care of them. It is even harder for him to acknowledge that he was the one who needed help. Somehow, it makes him feel better to think that he was helping us out.

By the end of every day, I am grateful when he goes to bed just so I can have a break from the chronic torture of this disease. I feel like such a bitch for saying that but, it’s the truth. So often lately, I feel emotionally battered and bruised, exhausted beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I feel guilty, very, very guilty for feeling like I can’t handle it sometimes. I feel like I am letting him down somehow. In fact, I frequently feel like I am letting someone (sometimes a lot of someone’s, if not everyone) in my life down. I feel as if my grip on every situation is tenacious at best. I don't like feeling this way.