Delusional Day

Sept. 8, 2011

Hi there. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written but life has basically been controlling me, instead of me controlling it. I spent the last couple of months working 12-16 hours a night, 7 nights a week, (as a caretaker no less). Funny how nice the change of pace has been. I kept the kids while Melissa, my daughter, worked and was with Dad during most of his “awake” hours. Then Melissa was here over night for them all. But, for now, the long nights are over and I am moving to VERY part time.

With Melissa and I having 2 weeks off, I have been able to spend hours on end with Dad. I am here watching him and I am shocked at his obvious slide downhill. We spent the morning together. Several times he told me he felt sick to his stomach. I repeatedly asked if it was nausea or diarrhea (he has Crohn’s disease that causes debilitating diarrhea constantly). He insisted it was just nausea. He decided to go “lie down for an hour”. I put some leftover chicken on to boil so I could make him some soup for lunch. Less than 30 minutes later he was back, exclaiming that he hadn’t meant to sleep so long! When I told him it had only been a few minutes he asked, “Why are you working here today? I thought the other girl was working. Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere else today? When was the last time I paid you?”
My heart sank as I realized he didn’t know who I was. He was obviously confused about where he was as well. Looking out the kitchen window, he asked if we had been getting a lot of rain because it was beginning to form a lake out back. There is an app. 60-acre lake behind the house!

As soon as he finished lunch, he went to lie down again. When he got up, he was more confused than ever. He thumbed through the phone book looking for a listing for an old friend that died a couple of years ago. He insisted he had seen her this morning and she told him she was moving away. He HAD to call her before she did. I still don’t think he is convinced that he hasn’t left the house today (except to get the newspaper this morning). I tried explaining it must have been a dream. To which he shook his head and said repeatedly that he was losing his mind, “I know it. You know it. You’re just too nice to tell me.”

Dad had an accident in the bathroom and had to call me to help him clean it up. He hates asking but he simply can’t do it himself. I was cleaning the toilet, floor and walls when he started talking about events that had happened today. None of them were real. I gently pointed out that he hadn’t gone anywhere today. He asked if I knew he was having “not dreams… not hallucinations…”
“Delusions?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m delusional and I don’t know why. I am seeing things and doing things and going places and it all seems so real. You keep telling me it isn’t real and I believe you because I trust you. That means I’m either going crazy or I’m delusional, right?”
All I can do is hug him and wish that he were less aware of what is happening to him. I urged him to get dressed while I finished cleaning up. On my hands and knees, scrubbing the floor, tears slid down my face.

Here I sit, calm at last, gathering strength to go upstairs and make dinner for 7. I can’t help wondering if he will know who I am by then. It’s a pretty safe bet that he will be unable to grasp the familial connection of his granddaughter and great-grandchildren. But, I can guarantee he will ask, “Is there anything I can do to help you?” at least a dozen times before I can get dinner to the table. He will ask, “where everyone is” at least twice because Richard is at work (the only person missing tonight). He will also stare at Ayla and remark that she is just too “C-U-T-E!” He will frown with displeasure at one or both of the older boys before the meal is over. And, he will look at Melissa in confusion, as if he’s never seen her before. Some things about his disease are entirely too predictable.

Turns out he asked if he could help 23 times but the rest were right on the money. He is argumentative and disoriented but he is blissfully watching the Saints game now. Thank God for the NFL! As long as he has football to watch he is at least content… which buys me a bit of respite from this day.