This One is About Me

Much of my “free” time lately has been spent in reflection, contemplation, meditation and prayer. It unfortunately, sucked away my ability to write. Since school let out for the summer, I have been unable to take my solitary morning walks. As summer has progressed, I have come to realize the importance of finding a way to begin them again when school starts. I know I need the peacefulness and vigorous exercise to center myself. It is a personal way of rejuvenation. I am hoping it will relieve some of the lethargy that has threatened to consume me this long, hot summer.

When last I wrote, Dad had just come home from the hospital. He still has no memory of the 27 days he was in either a rehab facility or the hospital. For the 1st time since I moved here, I have had real, medically trained professionals coming in to help me with him. For the 1st time since moving here I have had any help at all.
Dad is doing amazingly well. He moves around the house frequently without his walker (the wheelchair is, at least temporarily, a thing of the past). He has gotten up on a few mornings and made his own breakfast. He has unloaded the dishwasher on many occasions (virtually nothing ends up where it belongs, so cooking has become something of an adventure). He sets the table for dinner (ALWAYS incorrectly but he tries SOOOOO hard). He is eager to help and he and I both know it’s because he KNOWS he is slipping more and more into the world of Alzheimer’s.
Unlike after Mom died he no longer lays in bed all day or sleeps all the time. He rarely even takes a nap currently. He may sit in his chair most of the time but he gets up and fixes himself a drink more often than he asks me to get him one. He reads the newspaper everyday. He reads magazines and even watches the TV unmuted more each day. Now that he knows the reason he quit reading books (he can’t remember what he has read once he puts the book down because there is too much for his brain to process and hold on to). Magazines and newspaper articles are short so easier to grasp and retain. They are less daunting in a lot of ways.

Once again, we are making great strides on the physical side of things. Meanwhile, his Alzheimer’s days are steadily getting worse. He has become argumentative. So much so, I have begun to arrange a moment alone with his nurse and therapists to communicate any concerns I may have. I often laugh to myself when I think of Mom’s ingenious plan to start flying a warning flag like they do at the beach. A way of warning everyone what kind of day they can expect. We are most often on at least a yellow flag day (the last 2 days have been red flags for sure).

I went home for an overnight trip last week and was startled to see that my grandmother is deteriorating at a fairly quick pace. I left over 2 hours later than I had intended because I organized her medications and made med lists and gave them specific instructions on things she should be doing. I was still so distraught on Monday when our home health nurse came I told her about it. She immediately got on the phone to a supervisor in her company who in the space of 24 hours had the ball rolling to get them in to help my mother take care of my grandmother. We are arranging everything by phone while my mother is on vacation. By the time she returns, we should be ready to have all the different departments in to make their evaluations. My grandmother is finally getting the help I have wanted for her for over a year and Medicare WILL PAY FOR IT!!! I just wish I could convince her to move in here so I could look after her myself!

Life has begun to get increasingly harder and I find the need for introspection quite necessary. I also find that I roll into bed every night praying for the strength to get through the following day. The demands of my family have grown bigger and more complicated. I find myself quite weary at the end of every day rather than just occasional ones.

I know there will come a time where I will find peace for myself. I know that time is not yet. My peace will come from within and it will be the most solitary thing I ever do. But for now, my life is on hold as I hold hands, change diapers, kiss & bandage enough injuries to keep a walk-in clinic in business, cook, clean, chauffeur, listen to people's sad tales of their problems(and try to offer good advice), attempt to be a good friend to my friends, a good daughter, grand daughter, sister, mother and most importantly, try to be a good mate to a husband who is paralyzed with fear at dealing with his own father’s illnesses and recently, at times, life in general.
But for now, the pain I feel that emanates from this family (Dad, his children, his grandchildren, and even his great-grandchildren) drains the very life out of me at times. So if I should temporarily go into hiding on here… please feel free to message me. Trust me, a good, swift kick in the pants just might be what I need!