Why I Took A Hiatus From Here

My head is reeling and my heart is weary over the events of the last month. On Thursday, June 10th, as I was cooking dinner, Dad called out that maybe I should run him over to the hospital because he was having chest pains. I asked him if I should call 911 as I settled him in his chair and ran downstairs to grab my purse. He said no. I was trying to figure out how to get him to the hospital and do CPR at the same time if I needed to. Before I could make it back upstairs (less than 2 minutes), he yelled that maybe I should call them after all. I was dialing as I ran back up the stairs. I took his blood pressure as I gave the dispatcher our information. It took 7 attempts (ERROR, ERROR, ERROR…) before I got a reading of 258/139. I practically yelled the numbers into the phone. I was assured that the ambulance was on the way just before I hung up the phone. I prayed frantically as I took his BP again 253/138.
I was so relieved when EMS arrived. Dad told them he had already taken 4 Nitroglycerin tablets as I was informing them of his shallow breathing, chest pains and extremely high blood pressure. One of them asked me if I had given him an aspirin. When I told him I hadn’t, he immediately gave one to him and told him to chew it up. I had no idea this is something that should be done with a heart patient if the Nitro doesn’t work. In many cases, it can be the difference between life and death to anyone having a heart attack.
I was relieved at the hospital to find out that he had not had a heart attack but was shocked by the discovery that he not only had Pneumonia but a mass in his right lung. Needless to say, he was admitted. They also discovered a rampant Thyroid condition and he was severely anemic. 2 days later they made a decision to do Thoracentesis. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thoracentesis for a detailed description. Unfortunately, the test was inconclusive.
On the 15th, I arrived early because Dad was being discharged. I walked into a nightmare beyond belief. Overnight, he had gotten so bad he couldn’t sit up or roll over by himself. He could barely feed himself. He didn’t recognize me or anyone else. When the doctor arrived a couple of hours later it was immediately decided he would have to go to a rehab facility because I wouldn’t be able to manage him by myself at home in his condition. He was transported via ambulance across the parking lot to the rehab facility. We spent 17 days there with another trip to the ER via ambulance in the early morning hours of June 22nd (to be told once again, that he had Pneumonia), he was sent back to rehab after about 6 hours in the ER.
Every day that he was in rehab, I spent part of the morning and part of the evening with him (and often, part of the afternoon). And every day I saw small signs of improvement. Arrangements were made to bring him home on July 5th. On July 3rd, he was again sent to the hospital via ambulance. He was assigned a new doctor. For once, a doctor stopped everything to listen to me when I insisted they kept diagnosing pneumonia and he kept getting sicker. I asked if there was any way he could test for Congestive Heart Failure. He never batted an eye as I explained why I thought it was a possibility, he simply ordered an Echocardiogram for the following morning.

My relief was staggering when the doctor returned the following day and smiled at me before saying, “Good call, girl. He has CHF.” As soon as they began treating it, we saw visible signs of improvement. He was released to come home on July 7th!
On the morning of the 8th, I was startled to realize Dad has NO memory of his time in either the hospital or rehab. Alzheimer’s has become a protection device for him at times. Life has drastically changed for us yet again.
We have home health involved to try to help speed Dad’s recovery. Physical Therapy 4-5 days a week, Occupational Therapy 2-3 days a week, Speech Therapy 3-5 days a week and an RN who comes in 2-3 days a week. I am thankful for the extra help, as they give him a reason to get up and get moving. He is eager to please and is making steady progress because of it.
There have been many events over the last month that I will share as time goes on. But for now, this is where we stand. Tomorrow will be an important day. We go to see the Oncologist to get the results of the PET Scan and Lab work that have been done over the last couple of weeks. Tomorrow we find out if Dad has lung cancer. Tonight, I simply pray for peace beyond understanding…

Can't Stop Breathing

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Happy Father's Day

6-20-10

I wish that Dad were home with us (he is in a rehabilitation facility). I have been keeping notes on the events of the last 10 days and hope to catch everybody up some time soon. Life is a giant roller coaster right now and it makes it hard to find time to sit down and write. Today, I will spend more than my average 6-8 hours with Dad. I will encourage him to get stronger so that he can come home (even though I do that everyday). But mostly, I will simply love him as I thank God that he is still with us.

It's Been a Long 10 Days

June 5, 2010


I am going to encapsulate this the best I can. I went out of town on Thursday, May 27th. Dad was very anxious about my leaving him. He understood that I had to go (my sister had surgery and I needed to be with her and I was taking one of my grandsons to see his mother) but he really wanted me to stay here with him.

On Friday, I received a call saying Dad had fallen and had cuts/scrapes on his arm, hand and head. Richard had gotten the bleeding to stop but needed to know how best to provide first-aid. I was in a panic and wanted them to take him to the ER but they insisted it wasn’t that bad! I called to check on him every day and he insisted he was fine but missed me.

I returned Sunday night but Dad was already in bed. Monday morning (Memorial Day) Dad awoke and was thrilled to have me home. He summed up all that he felt when he hugged me tight and said, “I am so glad you are home. I missed you. Everybody did ok but things aren’t right when you aren’t here. They don’t take care of me the way you do.”
I was not so thrilled to see that he had what appeared to be Conjunctivitis in both eyes. The cut on his arm had been cleaned and bandaged, as was his hand. His head had a small cut but no bump. I called the doctor but they were closed for the holiday.

On Tuesday morning, I called and got us an afternoon appointment. I was right about the eyes, he had a case of good old Pink Eye. Oral antibiotics 3 times a day for 7 days and antibiotic eye drops 4 times a day. The doctor was unconcerned about the small cut on his head but he decided it was time we explore the reasons for the falls more thoroughly. At this point, we have pretty much ruled out medication as a reason (we have cut out virtually anything that could cause dizziness or loss of balance in the last 2 months). He scheduled Dad to do Lab work on Thursday.

On Wednesday, we met Dad’s new Dermatologist. He explained that they were going to do Moh’s Micrographic Surgery on Dad to remove the cancer on June 30th. Dad has Squamous Cell Carcinoma (sometimes referred to as non-melanoma carcinoma). Although generally more aggressive than Basal Cell Carcinoma, this cancer is highly treatable. The procedure can take anywhere from 1 ½ hours to 5 hours. There is no way to know ahead of time exactly how long it will take.

On Thursday, we went in for the ordered lab work. Now, we wait until our appointment next Tuesday to find out the results. We are still trying to get in with the Neurologist to have him tested for a host of Neurological possibilities for what is causing his loss of balance, dizziness and fainting. The lab work makes me feel like we are taking a more active role in finding the problem. Deep in my heart, I fear that it is simply a matter of “old age”.

Friday was rather unremarkable since we didn’t have any appointments and Dad has been sleeping a lot all week because his eyes are bothering him.

Today, he rested a lot again. Jordyn spent the day trying to find ways to involve Dad, ways to get him to communicate or connect with him. He did play several games of Gin Rummy with Jordyn (which I take as definite progress). He also let Jordyn make him a grilled ham & cheese sandwich for lunch. We have got to get Dad interested in doing something, anything! I am surprised and delighted that my 11 year old sees the importance of this and takes an active part in trying to help. As I point out frequently to Dad, I need him to spend time with Jordyn... Jordyn needs it. Once again, I am reminded that we can do anything as long as we work together as a family to accomplish our goals!

The Biopsy Results Are In

May 26,2010

Last night, between 2:30 & 3:00 am, I heard a noise upstairs that woke me up. I went up and peeked in on the boys who were all sleeping peacefully. As I turned back toward Dad’s room, I heard something. It was one of those noises you know you should recognize but just can’t quite put your finger on. I tiptoed as quietly as I could down the hall and stopped short of the doorway as I saw Mom’s wheelchair roll into view, followed by Dad pushing it. It only took an instant for me to register that he had her cremains in it and was pushing it around the bedroom. He was talking softly to “her”.
With the definite feeling that I was intruding on something incredibly precious and extremely private, I began to back my way out of sight. It wasn’t until I reached the stairs that I realized tears were flowing down my face. In that moment, I missed her more than I have since the moment she died.
This morning when I went to wake the boys for school, I glanced in on Dad. Her remains were back in their place on top of her jewelry chest and the wheelchair was back in its place. I would have been able to have convinced myself it had all been a dream until I noticed that one of her favorite shirts (the only piece of clothing Dad had insisted on keeping) was draped over the back of the wheelchair and one of her porcelain dolls was in the seat. I knew he had found his own way of connecting with her in the wee hours of the morning and I was happy for him.


Just after lunch today the phone rang. It was Dad’s primary physician’s nurse. The test results from the biopsies he’d had last week were in. The good news is the results on his wrist were normal. The bad news… on the cheek was a definite malignancy. She explained that he was being sent to a Dermatologist (who would determine if it was simply skin involved). The fear is that it has already progressed enough to be in his cheekbone. At his age, and in his state of physical health, Dad cannot have Chemotherapy. My heart shattered yet again as I absorbed the ramifications. Arrangements were made for the Doctor to call my cell phone over the next couple of days to schedule an appointment (I will be out of town for the next several days). We were going to move very quickly on this.
As soon as I got off the phone, I went and sat down on the floor next to Dad’s chair. I put a hand on his arm. “Dad, that was the doctor’s office. They got the results of your biopsies back.”
“Well, what did they say?” His eyes were so clear and aware. His voice was strong when he said, “What happens now?”
I replied, “We go to a new doctor. We are being sent to a dermatologist and he will tell us where we go from here.”
He grinned. He actually grinned and patted my hand, “Well, we are just going to have to make it clear to him that we can’t have him cutting my face all up. My public demands that I look good and I’m sure Hollywood will be calling any day now with my new contract.”
I couldn’t help but smile (this has been a running joke as long as I have known Mom and Dad). I saw the worry enter his eyes but he put on a brave face. “If we have to go to a new doctor, then we have to go. But I think it’s all a waste of time.”
“Dad, we have to fight this thing.”
“Ok, if you say so. I guess I don’t have much choice if I want to stay alive.” He smiled again as he winked. “But we have to call my agent first thing in the morning.”
My heart sang as I realized something… Dad wants to live!

Kidneys, Tears and Fears

May 24, 2010


The last few days have been intense to say the least. Friday afternoon (May 21st), we went to see Dad’s Kidney Specialist for his quarterly check up. I found out at the last one in Feb., that Dad’s kidneys are severely damaged. His latest test results indicate that his kidneys are only functioning at about 35%. Reality check… there is nothing that can be done to stop it but there are a few things we can try that might slow the deterioration down. The first of which is several medication changes starting with his high blood pressure meds. He has been on one med that could be the reason for the declination in his kidney function. Ironically, it’s one of the ones his primary doctor had cut in half a few days before. We won’t know if it’s working until the end of July when he goes in for lab tests again.

On Saturday afternoon, Dad was watching TV and Jordyn was walking through to get something from the kitchen. Dad told him to “come here”. When Jordyn approached his chair, Dad struggled to his feet and wrapped Jordyn in a big hug. “If I am not here this summer, and I might not be. You never know…” Dad told him. “I want you to know I love you and I’m proud of you. You are going to set the world on fire if you will just stay on track.”
Jordyn was blown away and immediately came to find me. His eyes filled with tears, he relayed what had happened. “Nonni, was Pop trying to tell me he is going to die?” his voice quivered. “I mean, I know he’s old and stuff but he was acting really weird. Is he going to die… like soon?”
I turned to face him and tried to be as honest as I could, “Honey, he IS old and nobody has a clue when he, or anybody else for that matter, is going to die. He’s just missing Munner very, very much right now.”
Before I could say another word, he threw himself down on the couch and pulled a pillow over his head as gut-wrenching sobs wracked his body. I ran to him, “Honey, what is it?”
His reply was muffled so I wrestled the pillow from his grasp. Between sobs he cried in such a lost voice, choking on his tears, “She really isn’t ever coming back is she? Munner is really dead and I am never going to see her on earth again. I just realized… And Pop… It’s not fair! It’s just not fair!”
I knew it would eventually hit him I just never thought it would take so long or hit so hard. I pulled him into my arms and let him bawl it out.
He eventually wore himself out crying and hiccuped as he gulped in air. “Nonni,” he asked in a subdued voice still full of tears, “I didn’t get it before. I don’t want Pop to want to die.”
I squeezed him tightly, “I don’t either, Jordyn. But, it’s like Pop’s said through all of this… Whatever happens, we just have to believe it is God’s Will. And we have to love him even more now that Munner is gone. We have to keep making him want to hang on for as long as we possibly can.”
He nodded solemnly and went to his room. He was quiet the rest of the night but there was a deep sadness that hadn’t been there before, every time he looked at his Pop.


On Sunday, Damien (the only one of our grandchildren that lives out of state) arrived to stay with us for a few days. His other grandparents, GiGi and Grandaddy, who he lives with, brought him. As soon as they left, Dad wanted to know why he hadn’t been introduced to them. I pointed out that he met them when they were here in Dec. He walked around grumbling that people are always telling him things that are “bullshit”. 20 minutes later, he again asked who those people were that had been here. I explained that they were our ex-son-in-laws parents, that their son had been married to our oldest daughter. He doesn’t remember Allen at all and informed me he isn’t even sure who my children are. I went through it with him again (we do this quite frequently).
Dad has been very confused by this new child in the house. I keep Melissa’s 3 children Mon., - Wed. and having an extra kid around really messed with Dad. I can’t begin to count how many times I answered the “Who do these children belong to again?” question on today.
Also of notable mention, Dad was off balance after dinner tonight. I waited until he headed to bed before coming downstairs, to be on the safe side. About 15 minutes later, I heard a small thud and then I heard Cameryn say, “Pop, did you fall down again?”
I raced upstairs and there he was lying on the floor between the sofa and his desk. “Dad!”
He assured me he was fine, just dizzy. As soon as I had determined that he wasn’t bleeding from anywhere, he tried to get up. He couldn’t do it. I had to get behind him and physically pick him up (he was complete dead weight in my arms) and get him seated on his walker. “I didn’t know you were so strong,” he said.
Then he leaned forward and grabbed something from the seat of his desk chair and handed it to me. It was a folder we had spent a great deal of time this evening looking for, a folder that he had insisted somebody had gone into his desk and stolen. I insisted no one had stolen it, he had simply misplaced or moved it himself.
“On the bright side, I found this on the floor under my desk. I might not have found it if I hadn’t fallen. Guess nobody stole it after all.”
With a shake of my head, I put it where it belongs and helped him back to bed. Admonishing him again to use the walker if he got up during the night at all.